Viva la Vida

I find it pathetic quite honestly, my new life in a new city, I left everything behind for this new life and what do I miss the most. Is it my friends? No not quite. My family? Not really. I miss both of these a lot but what I miss the most is quite simple, I miss the control. I have always admitted to being a control freak. When Twitch initially broke up with me, I was shatter yet I was mostly bothered by the way he controlled my feelings, something I have always easily controlled. When I want to be happy, I am happy. I think this is partially why I have ruined so many relationships in the past. If I ruin them I control what is happening. Even as a kid I remember have a certain form of control over my friends and my parents. Now this isn't going to turn into some terrible plot point in a TV show about a sociopathic liar and serial killer. This is just a simple fact of my personality I have always known.

So how is affecting me now? In St. George I had control, and it was growing. I was an organizer of Queer Volunteers, I was on Link, gay leader group of StG. I still had a hand in the School Newspapers, the GSA's. I had a job in which I controlled a good portion of what happened at the theater. I had friends, I controlled what I did with my life. I had control everywhere, and that was what was keeping me going.


Here in Seattle I don't have control. I am at the beck and call of those who lead me. Even my personal life is largely centered around the will of others. I don't know many people and the people that I do know are often busy. I can only go out on my own participating in a limited number of things by my self (bus permitting). So unfortunately the control freak in me compensates by using the one thing I can control, my emotions.

The other day I realized that I had been getting easily angry for the past couple day and I concluded that it was just a part of the game. I am letting the anger fill me because I can. I sit at home all day and do my own thing until I can use my anger to feel in control of a situation. It is terrible and it needs to stop. Luckily it hasn't become a major problem yet.

Things aren't so bad though up here. I just got a job which is great :) I am excited to start, and mostly to start meeting people and occupying some of my time, instead of watching endless episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dexter (Note above reference), and Lost, and reading my two books and browsing facebook. Viva la Vida.