(Caution: I wrote this while I was tired and was originally just my thoughts being put down, I intended to take the fragmented thoughts and turn them into blog post... but... it's a mess. Haha :)
I have twelve followers! I don't know how many of you read, but those of you that do I am very glad that you do! I feel as though I have to get serious about this blogging thing. People are listening and I have things to say. That's the problem right now, I have to much to say and don't know how to say it. I am also weary about posting things on my blog, with these new (and uprising) readers... like my MOM, or anyone for that matter. I am self-conscious of my writing and the personal moments I share on this blog. Not to mention some of my... less golden moments.
So being self conscious of this blog I rarely post and if I do it, I censor it. I realized how pointless that is. So this is a second warning (see Disclaimer) This is my personal blog, anyone is allowed to read it. It is public. However, Twig's Adventure's will be my Veritaserum (kellie if you are reading this, that was for you), my truth serum. Things in this blog may not be pretty you may think differently, but they are a part of me. Parts I have to share. To write out, to think out.
My grandmother on my father's side died in a car crash when I was very young. I shouldn't remember her at all except a drawn picture of her on the mantel. Yet for some reason, I have memories of her in in my head. Looking at me and smiling. I always have felt very respectful towards her. She was supposed to be an amazing artist. I always wanted to be an artist. For some reason when I have been upset in the past I have always turned to drawing. While I am honestly not the best drawer, when I am in these very high's or low's I produce my best art, and feel like I have had everything worked out. It's a time to reflect. Only after learning about the concept of spirit guides did I think that maybe (when/if I decide it's real) that she is chilling on my hand helping me out through drawing. Either way it's a comforting thought. However lately I have had a lot to think about and I have drawn nothing, I am very disconnected with my spiritual side. I used to meditate constantly, now that is not my main focus and I am fine with that, but I miss parts of it.
I have never gone so far as to say "I have always know I am gay" when people say that I just get this, i-m-trying-to-prove-you-wrong feeling. I don't remember my childhood very well. The other day I had an epiphany I was thinking about childhood and movies and such and I connected something. As a child I found myself very confused. Even though I was very male (with the exception wanting to play with traditionally girly toys.) I had no problem with that. Yet when I imagined myself in movies that I had watched I had always imagined myself in the girls position. Being courted by this handsome prince, who would take care of me, love me, and kiss me. Every time I thought about this I stopped and tried to switch it to something more acceptable, and it never felt comfortable. This confused me, I knew I wanted to be a boy, but something didn't mix. Now I know. :) I didn't always know I was gay, but I have always known I was different, I have always been gay. I just wanted to imagine finding my prince charming
(I typed the words to Katy Perry's Song Here?)
3 comments:
Oh I miss you. Is there a chance next time that you are in SG we can go to lunch? Just lunch :)
Also, I love this post, because it basically was the nudge that I have needed to get me to do something that I subconsciously knew I should do already, but it brought it into my conscious. So thanks.
Miss you lots!
Ah Logan I love you!! I am so glad you posted :) I love your blog, and be honest, it's what this kind of thing is for. Being honest with the world, stopping the hiding and all that. I'm still kind of working on it from time to time, but I'm getting better...ish.
I love that mention of your grandmother. I feel the same about my cousin when I write sometimes. We should have a chat about Seraphia and Joseph *two of my spirit guides :)* They have a constant chat within my head lately now that I've grown used to the fact they're there, but yeah... it's a long story and I feel almost as if I have multiple personality disorder sometimes hahaha.
Damn Logan. I felt the opposite... but I'm not a lesbian :P I always figured I'd have the common sense to escape the castle, or better yet, be alongside my prince charming to save the day. I guess this is why I seem to be labeled "a gay man in a girl's body" by quite a few people haha. I like men, but I seem to be a little more masculine than the normal girl. Go us in our nonconformity! :D
Much love :)
- Be
Corey: Miss you too! Of course we can get lunch :)
What was this nudge? I am very intrigued. :)
Be: Love you too! I am glad that I posted too :) Thanks for your advice haha.
Ah spirit guides I have tried to contact them many times to no avail. I have heard them call me once. Never been sure of anything more. And this is coming from a reluctant atheist :)
"Gay man in a woman's body" is the best thing every. Can you please identify yourself as a homosexual male.
I have always been comfortable in my masculinity... My version just hasn't always included typical "male" characteristics.
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